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So Here Are my Funny and Hilarious Jokes

The following jokes were hand picked by the staff of this page (me) to humor all viewers! Actually i was just looking at jokes and decided to put the really funny ones on my page, so get to readin'em . If you feel that one of these jokes offends you then, F*** You.

The Archives

So there's this guy who meets a girl in a bar. They talk most of the night and arrange to get together the next night for a date. He tells her he'll come by about 7 on his motorcycle that he's buying tomorrow.
So he goes and buys this bike, but it's an older bike. The guy he's buying it from tells him to get some Vaseline to put on the points when it rains to keep them from rusting, so he stops at the drug store on the way to this girls house and gets some Vaseline.
He gets to the girl's house and is invited in to dinner with her parents and younger sister. His date tells him "We have a rule in this house. Whoever talks first at dinner has to do ALL the dishes." He looks around and there are dishes piled EVERYWHERE, ceiling to floor, new dishes in the shelves cause they buy new ones because no one has talked at dinner for several years. He's thinking "Damn. I have to make somebody talk, or I'm gonna get stuck doing all these dishes."
They get to the dinner table and he's trying to think of how to make somebody talk. So, he reaches over and starts playing with his date's panties under the table. Her dad sees this, and is obviously pissed off, but doesn't say a word. (He doesn't want to do these dishes.) Seeing this isn't working, he picks his date up and lays her up on the table, rips her panties off, and starts fucking. Dad's REAL pissed off now, but still doesn't say anything.
He's thinking, "Hmmm. Try something else." So he grabs Mom, tosses her up on the table, goes to work. Dad's mad as HELL now, but still doesn't say anything. This guys getting desperate, so he grabs little sister...Tosses her up on the table. Dad's REAL pissed off now, looking around the room, trying to find his shotgun...still not a word, though.
Just then, there's this big clap of thunder outside. The guy remembers the points on the bike, and it's about to rain. He jumps up, grabs the Vaseline. Moving towards the door, he accidentally makes eye contact with the Dad. Dad's eyes get big, and he stands up and says, "ALRIGHT! I'll do the damn dishes."

An Englishman, American, and Irishman all walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender hands them their beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer. Well the Englishman pushes the beer aside and says, "That's disgusting." The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer. The Irishman pulls the fly out, sets it out the counter and shouts, "SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!"

Two men walk into a bar both wearing long faces. The bartender asks the first man, "Why the long faces?"
The first man replied, "Well, my wife and I went out to dinner the other night and we had a gorgeous waitress. When I pointed to the menu to tell her what I wanted I said, 'I'd like a tit of bat,' but what I meant to say was, 'I'd like a bit of that!'
The bartender says, "Oh. How 'bout you, buddy?" he asked the other man.
"My wife and I were eating breakfast and I meant to say, 'Please pass the butter,' but it came out, 'You ruined my life bitch!'"

There are 2 men sitting in a bar and they are drinking their beers when one of the men looks to the end of the bar and realizes that Neil Armstrong is sitting at the end of the bar. After some debate amongst themselves whether the man is Armstrong or not, one of the men gathers up the nerve to go up to the man and ask if indeed he is the American Icon.
He gets to the end of the bar and asks, "excuse me sir, I couldn't help but notice that you are Neil Armstrong.
Mr. Armstrong replies, "well yes I am how may I help you?" The man states that it was a pleasure to meet him since Neil Armstrong has always been a big idol and role model in his life. Mr. Armstrong thanks him and asks him what he does for a living. "I am a journalist" replies the man. Mr. Armstrong gives a sigh and replies "Oh, Okay." The man continues and asks him if he has a problem with journalists. Mr. Armstrong says no but states that reporters and the media had misquoted him on his moon walk statement. The man asks him what he means. Mr. Armstrong replies, you guys reported I said "Once small step for man, one giant step for man kind", but what I really said was "once small step for man, one giant step for Matt Kline."
"Who the hell is Matt Kline?" replied the man.
"Matt Kline is a good friend of mine ever since we were kids, we went to the same high school, college, we even served in the service at the same time. We where both in the Apollo space program but he didn't make the cut," said Armstrong.
"Okay" replied the man.
"Well one day I was the best man at Matt's wedding and when the reception was over, I noticed that there were some packages left in the banquet room. Not wanting to have the couple go off without all of their gifts, I ran the packages up to their suite. when I got to the door I heard Matt's wife say, 'the day I put that in my mouth will be the day a man walks on the moon!"

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. 'Well,' he said, 'I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.' The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating. The girl leans over and says; 'You never told me that you were such a religious person.' He leans over to her and says; 'You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.'

There was this drunk guy at a bar talking to the bartender about how much he loves gambleing, and that he never loses. Just then, this other guy walks in bragging that he can sit eyes closed with his back facing the bar, and name what kind and how old any beer or wine is that you give him. Only by taste and smell. The drunk who had been there before heard and thought to him self, "this would be an easy way to win some money" so he goes over to him and says, "I bet you that I can give you a drink that you can't name." "Your on." replied the bragger "as long as you pay." "Deal!" So the gambler puts the first drink on the table. The guy closes his eyes picks up the drink and takes a sip and smells it thinks for a while and says, "imported white wine 3 years old. "Stunned the gambler pays for another drink and puts it on the table, the man picks it up sips it and smells then replies, "Jack Daniels 2 years old. "Stunned once more the gambler realizes that he is short on cash so he gets a glass and pisses in it and gives it to the guy. Again the guy picks up the glass and sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!" the man says." "Yeah", says the other, "now guess how old I am!"

One day MR. GOODBAR was feeling horny. So he went to Miss HERSHEY for a BIT OF HONEY. He took her behind the POWERHOUSE and felt her MOUNDS, which was pure ALMOND JOY, as he tasted the MILKY WAY. She squeezed his NUTTY BUDDY and he SNICKERED. He BUTTERFINGERED her, and she screamed O HENRY! He rammed his BAZOOKA up in her, and fired. The results: BABY RUTH.

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, 'What's that Mommy?' A little embarrassed, she tells him that is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, 'Where is your sponge mommy?' Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says OK and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge. 'What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?' 'The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!'

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well. "Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish the bear was gay..."

And for Dan: Heres the joke: Mrs. Agnello is A bitch who should die! haha Back To Main